Monday, July 8, 2013

V/H/S - Review

Okay so after teh rave reviews everyone and their dog gave this film I decided to watch it on NETFLIX.
Well it sucks.
Its another found footage piece of trash thats unwatchable and NOT SCARY.
 Spoilers Ahead -
The film is started out with the whitest douchebags in the world doing douchbag things like pulling up girls shirts and recording it for profit. Seriously this film has an 80's slasher amount of tits for no reason.

They are then hired to go into some random house by someone and retireve a VHS tape... because YEAH everyone uses those still.
While in the house they find a pile of tapes around an old, fat, dead guy and decide "well fuck it, what better to do during an illegal break in where you find a dead body than to get your prints and DNA all over the place" and watch some tapes.
Fucking rediculous. It would have been quicker to just grab all the tapes and leave.
Well Each tape is a 10-15 minute lack luster story done in found footage format. Personally this format is outplayed and just plain difficult to watch. It would have been better if after putting in the tape it went to regular style play.

I'll give a slight review of each short with its title. 

 Amateur Night 
Group of douche bags create an awful pair of eye glass camera and put it on their dorky friend to record them "picking up chicks man". I am not sure if the guys were supposed to be super douches just so their deaths felt vindicated or the creator just thought guys still act this way.
Anyway they pick up a few girls and take them to a hotel room, you know instead of their HOUSE, and one turns out to be a Monster. Now I love my friends but if we are in a hotel room and some bat girl starts eating one of them be sure I will run to the door and NOT lock myself in the bathroom because thats what my buddy would want me to do. But hey what do I know about having my friend eaten by a bat chick.
I will say the makeup/effect on the girl was cool but other than that it was predictable, and corny. Not to mention the view was awful because they made it act like a webcam which locks and stutters a lot.
This sucked.

Second Honeymoon
Simply about a couple on a small road trip to the grand canyon being stalked by some chick.
Ends in the MOST PREDICTABLE fashion and was just awful

Tues the 17th
Proverbial group of 30 year old 20 year olds go to the cabin in the woods and get killed. Turns out to be a setup by one of them to lure out a killer for revenge. WAS AWFUL! Had awful acting and the killer was basically a staticy digital thing. Would have been a bit better if it turned out the main girl was the killer with a split personality which is where I thought this was going but honestly it was soooooooooooo bad!
Also the "try to hard dirty talk" was just full of douche chills.

The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger
Started as the most promising one but ended with a limp thud. A guy skypes with his girl because she thinks her apt is haunted. Supposedly its a long distance relationship and he is in med school or something. Weird ghosty shit happens plain to see to each person yet she stays in the apt. She keeps bitching him out he wasn't recording on his end but seriously bitch you cant record yourself if YOU KNOW what you're trying to accomplish. 
In the end the ghost/alien kids knock her out and her BF just shows up, because you know her door isn't locked or he's been living in the kitchen cabinet the entire time and removes a fetus from her back through a 13" knife wound. He's moving his hand in there like hes rummaging in a bag of Halloween Candy. She ends up in the hospital somehow and no one asks where this giant gash in her back came from and just let her out? Fucking Dumb. Made no sense, and not even in a good way. Also end with a new chick via Skype who is, SURPRISE, showing her tits! Give that "Oh my he's doing it again" feeling but your just happy you don't have to sit through this one.

Honestly this was the best one of the bunch. The guys were actually normal and not uber rapey douches. 
Just a group of guys on the way to a costume party who end up at the wrong house which turns out to be pretty fucking haunted. They work their way to the attic where some red necks are doing some unexplained ritual on a captive girl... NO LITERALLY this is a gorgeous New England mansion and inhabited by red necks??????? WTF mate!
The guys rescue the girl, the house eats the rednecks and during the escape things go wrong, of course.

After all the skits it returns to the original burglars who are now being one offed by something that turns out to be big fatty as a zombie or something.

It's not even like I thought the movie was just over rated, it was fucking dumb. There is a sequel but I cant honestly see myself sitting through this unless I ended up on a found footage VHS tape in the end blowing my brains out for having to watch more of this garbage.  

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